It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
When I think back on our assignment to Ramstein, this phrase seems to always pop into my mind. I don't know that I'll ever be able to fully untangle my feelings from our time overseas, but now that we've been home a year, I'm able to appreciate more of the things that made Germany unique. I'm often asked if I miss it, or if we'd ever go back, or if I regret anything about our time there- and those are SUCH hard questions to answer. I have finally been able to at least answer honestly and without venom; spitting out an angry truth only made people think that I am a bitter, hateful soul that has courage or ambition.
The most unfortunate part of our time in Germany was always that our move coincided with the biggest change of my life- becoming a mother. Moving overseas and traveling the world changes you as a person. So does having a baby. Trying to mesh the two wasn't pretty for me. It left me with a sense of feeling cheated in both arenas. When I thought of European living, I dreamed of sitting outside a café with a cup of espresso, passing away the morning with a pastry and people watching with my new best friend that I was sure I would meet. My European dream involved hopping trains on the weekend for a quick day trip that involved wine, cheese, and lazy wandering of ancient castles, soaking in the history surrounding me. Did you know small babies don't really care for sitting still for long spells while their mother drinks coffee at her leisure? I know. Shocker. They also don't generally care to be confined for "historical sites", and they for darn sure have no patience for a 12 + hour long travel day just for kicks. To counter that, my dreams of what new parenthood would look were a stark contrast to my reality. There was no Super Target to grab adorable festive outfits, no 24 hour Walmart stocked with diapers/Baby Tylenol/Ben&Jerrys for me to make late night runs to when the baby wasn't sleeping and I didn't know what to do. Stores were narrow and difficult to access(usually requiring parking in a crowded and very small parking garage), making the idea of putting baby in a stroller and striking out on my own hard to imagine, and both of my kids didn't care for baby wearing so don't even ask. I wanted the American ideal of babyhood- yoga pants in a Starbucks drive thru, over commercialized holiday outfits for everything, and family visits back and forth so often that my car could drive itself to my parents/inlaws homes. We were so lucky to have both my parents and B's parents come at least once a year each, and every one of our siblings made it out to visit us at least once during our time there. Some friends of mine had zero family visits; the isolation is crushing, and left them wondering if they really had family at all. But even with our family's willingness to travel, we still missed important events in the US that can never be made up for. My sister got married 7 weeks after Layla was born, and since babies born overseas have to have a passport like everyone else, and since when you are overseas rushing a passport is NOT an option that the state department offers, I missed her wedding. We video chatted before, my cousin held an iPad during the ceremony so that I could see some of it, but... I just... I wasn't there. I was alone, crying and nursing Layla on a couch on the other side of the world in the middle of the night while my sister walked down the aisle. People like to talk about the things you would never get to do if you weren't stationed overseas, and it's true, but you pay a steep price for that. In the end, you wonder if it was worth it.
There were parts of living in Germany that I knew I would love (T.R.A.V.E.L.), but there were definitely things I didn't expect would find a way into my heart. Recycling, for example, is mandatory, well implemented, and it kills me to throw away half of the things I throw away now, knowing that they could go somewhere other than the landfill. Beer and wine and the way people enjoy them is something to be admired in Europe. It's just part of life, part of a meal, and while you rarely see a German couple sitting down to eat without a perfectly poured glass of Riesling (seriously, every wine glass has a line so that you know how much you are being served) you even more rarely see a German who has had too much to drink. Really, I think that's the overarching idea of what I miss the most- a sense of personal responsibility that they lived by. You keep your car in good shape because driving is a privilege not a right, you have one lifeguard for the biggest pool I've ever seen in my life because you shouldn't get in a pool if you can't swim, and you keep your house and yard tidy because it's just the neighborly thing to do. Other things I miss: fests, pretzels, the autobahn, flower boxes on every window, and quiet hours. Things I do not miss so much: unfriendliness, flies, Christmas markets, no air conditioning, flies, "B" roads, terrible ice cream, German customer service, no shopping after 6 pm/ before 8/Sundays, flies, having to go to 4 different stores for ibuprofen, groceries, a birthday card, and mascara.
So would I go back? Ultimately, it's not my decision. If B's work says, hey, after Ohio you are going back overseas, then that's what we will do. I'd like to think we would have an easier time of things- we'd have realistic expectations, our kids would be older, and *maybe* my attitude will have mellowed. We adored England when we visited, and if he was offered a spot at one of the bases there I might tell him that the kids and I are leaving next week, let me know when he gets there! Germany though... it didn't steal my heart. It stole my sanity, my sense of self, but not my heart. But it did give me things. It gave me memories of watching my kids wander ancient castles, my daughter splash innocently on Omaha Beach, my son being danced around an olive plantation by Greek mamas, and my husband venturing down the wrong (correct) side of the road on our quest to make the most of the English countryside. It changed my view of the world, gave me a deeper respect for my own country, and tested and strengthened my marriage. I guess the only thing that is 100% clear at this point is- my feelings are STILL pretty darn mixed!
